Taking a Different Path... or Avoiding the Apostle

Quite accidentally, I have found a new reason to praise neighborhood street grids: easily avoiding annoying neighbors. I was walking home the other, taking my normal path and passing the neighbor (he lives a couple of blocks from me) who is always sitting out on his lawn. We always say hello to each other as I pass, but on this particular day he decided to engage me in the most frustrating conversation I have experienced in a long while. After our usual greeting, as I continued to walk, he called after me, “Do you know the Lord?” Now, this is always a dangerous question because anyone that is brave enough to ask it of a complete stranger in a public place is likely to be a little too hardcore for my liking. I decided there was no way out of it, so I turned and said, “Yes, I’ve been a Christian for many years.” I thought maybe this would placate him so that I could get home and make dinner (I’m always starving by this time). Instead, he asked me what church I attend. I told him that I just recently moved in and have not found a home church yet, but that I attended the Lutheran church down the street once. This is when he explained to me that Lutheran pastors are “apostates” that lead their “flock” astray. He made sure to let me know then that he has several theology degrees (I said “Wow! That’s great”), so he obviously must know what he’s talking about. I knew from the beginning of the conversation that it would be interesting, but this was getting ridiculous very quickly. He proceeded to tell me that he is a pastor trained in the charismatic Assemblies of God tradition that “strictly follows Biblical teachings,” which apparently “no other church does.” He explained to me that God may have some grace for the “flock” of these churches for a little while, but “these pastors are held to a higher standard, they know better than to manipulate the Word, and they will pay dearly on Judgment Day,” which, according to him as he looked at his watch for effect, “is coming soon!”

It was at about this point when I began to slowly back away as he continued talking to me. He mentioned that he knew many senior pastors that were disqualified from being senior pastors because they weren’t married. I must have had a confused look (I’ve never heard of that rule!) on my face because he began to explain in an accusatory way (as if I, a Christian, should have known this and been appalled by it) that the Apostle Paul said that only married men could be senior pastors. Once again, he mentioned that he should know because he has “several degrees in theology,” to which I replied, “So I’ve heard.” He went on about the sinfulness of these pastors for a while as I nodded and continued to slowly back away. He then admitted that he was “Biblically divorced” (whatever that means) and out of a job, but he was looking to start a church. I don’t know why I decided to make the situation worse by asking a question, but I did. “So, if you start a church, will you be the senior pastor?” This got him all riled up. In, again, an accusatory manner, he slightly chastised me for thinking he would do such a thing. “You would think so, wouldn’t you! That’s what all of these so-called men of God are doing these days.” Then he said something that convinced me once and for all that I needed to avoid this guy from this point forward. “Don’t they know that only apostles can start churches?” I was completely dumbfounded. This guy actually believed that he was an apostle! I had learned my lesson at this point and didn’t answer or challenge him. I wanted to ask him how he came to personally listen to Jesus’ teachings while he was alive (the definition of an apostle); what makes him think his interpretation of the Bible is better than others; if he had ever eaten pork, stoned a prostitute, cast lots, or given everything he owned to the poor, as the Bible instructs. But I held my tongue and eventually told him that I needed to get home. Unbelievably, he found a way to mention one more time, “You know, my theology degrees…” before I finally got away from him.

After that experience, I thank God (whether my neighbors version of Him or my own) for gridded streets! Ever since that day, I have simply taken a different route home, which has not taken any more time to walk. If I lived in a suburban neighborhood, it is likely that, because of the suburban desire to have no through traffic, there would only be one path home. In a more urban neighborhood, however, there are always several different paths to one destination, which efficiently spreads traffic evenly throughout the streets… and provides me with a less annoying path home.

Disclaimer: I really do feel sorry for the guy, because he must be lonely with his penchant of proclaiming his religious superiority to others. If you are the praying type, please pray for him. I don’t mean to make fun of him, and I will never reveal who he is, but I began this blog with the purpose of describing my experiences as a pedestrian in Bethlehem… and this was quite an experience! It was one that I would not have had if I had passed his house in a car.